Tyler Knows Nothing

I’m going to guess that at least 12% of you will be reading this on a toilet.

Nothing makes people feel at ease more than a very public discussion about pooping… Right?

Fortunately for you, I’m not making this a video or podcast, so you can read it anywhere. Even on a public toilet.

Let’s talk about conservation of energy. Now, I know that’s a scientific principle of something, but I’m no scientist so I’m not sure how accurate I’ll be, but this whole thing seems rather obvious to me. So much so, that I’m more than a little shocked no rabid capitalistas have leapt on the Bidet Bandwagon. And no, that bandwagon doesn’t sound very fun, but we’ll get to the bidet in a moment. First, we need to talk about toilet paper.

We Americans appear to go through about 141 rolls a year per person, at least according to Statista (See link above. -Ed.) Note that the rolls they are referencing are 90 grams (Siri says that’s 3.7 ounces), which I’m assuming are the classic-style rolls. Of course, almost everyone buys the jumbo and mega roll packs, so some basic maths will need to be performed…

Oh, never mind! Some nice person over at The Federalist, a right-wing eTabloid, took care of that for us. Go ahead. Read it. It won’t bite, but you might come away with a spike in your depression for a few days.

You see, he says the maths are all wrong because we aren’t buying those dinky little old-timey toilet paper rolls. No, we are, as I just mentioned, buying those large rolls so… We’re not really using a 141 rolls a year, per American, mind you, we’re really using 56.

And that’s a whole lot less than 141… Right?

I guess the simple fact that slipped past this stable genius is that the heavier rolls are longer and have more material in them. You know, all those plys, they come from somewhere, dude. Go to Costco, Walmart, Sam’s Club, or any big box store that carries toilet paper, and you’ll find stacks of “Double” and “Triple” roll options.

So, Kyle, let’s talk this out. I think you could be right that most Americans use about one roll a week, but you know, those rolls are double and triple that basic roll, so its still approximately THREE ROLLS A WEEK. The fact that there are double and triple roll products explains the 2.7 rolls a week that the study actually cites, the number “3” being rounded for clarity and because rounding numbers isn’t typically considered a criminal act.

Science is hard. I get it.

Also, I should note that the Fortune piece above was published in 2019, before the pandemic. I doubt that Americans used more toilet paper during lockdowns, but we sure as hell bought a lot more at one time. Gotta love those hoarders and preppers. Of course, you can only hoard essentials if you have the resources to do so.

Oh… Kyle… Wow, man. I’m so sorry…

Damn, that’s lot of toilet paper

Let’s get down to brass tacks. Nobody likes wiping. It’s gross and irritating and the paper can fall apart, and don’t get me started about criminally thin industrial-grade TP in public, retail and commercial bathrooms. It gets stuck to shoes, falls out of trash cans, doesn’t evacuate “the crevasse”, and periodically difficult to locate for purchase. Yeah, everybody poops, but I’m quite sure most of us don’t like it. It may be biological process necessary for the proper operation of the human body, but it’s a pain in the ass, literally and figuratively.

Must we complicate it? Turns out we kind of need to, and yes, there is a Wikipedia entry on “Anal Hygiene.”

I’d like to take a moment to point out the atrocious grammar in the following Wikipedia page summary that makes it sound like hygienic practices are performed by one group of people on another group of people’s anuses…like a service? I’m not the Grammar Gestapo, and I’m not perfect, but that can clearly give people the wrong impression about something rather private. I’m just sayin’…

There’s no point in denying it. We all know the fix.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy…

Let me ask you a question…

Do you thoroughly wash your privates in the bath?

So, functionally how different is washing them in one go on the toilet from getting in the shower to do the same thing? Short Answer: It’s not.

No. Nobody expects everyone to install a bidet. I’d be shocked if anyone in government ever suggested that installations be mandatory. It’s not some kind of weird poop-specific conspiracy, either. It’s just a little gadget you can add to your existing toilet and use privately with nobody knowing… except you, and I bet you secretly prefer it.

Prove me wrong ;)