satire
A list of things that pair well with McDonald's Szechuan Sauce
Whilst having a conversation with a friend he wanted to give me a list of foods that would probably taste good with Szechuan sauce. Considering the list itself, I have a feeling that it's not as tasty as he might recall. These are compiled from our talk on the matter over one of the popular (but not too popular) messaging apps:
How to sacrifice children for a thriving weapons industry | 2022 Q2 Update
Welcome one and all! Is your weapons industry suffering in the markets when there’s little direct war action to feed the coffers for your “investors”? Our simple program allows you to generate almost unlimited “excitement” for weapon, accessory, and ammunition sales.
2022 has been a year of explosive growth for the gun industry, and we see nothing but profits for the ongoing future. Take a look at some of the successful results from our non-stop “marketing” campaign for “freedom”.
NOTE: The continued performance of gun “enthusiasm” despite the “unintended restructuring” of the National Rifle Association and their extensive messaging platform is a huge cost savings since we no longer funnel funds into their Ackerman McQueen-led AgitProp strike team. We applaud the NRA’s continued efforts to remain relevant, however.
Without further ado here are examples of “successful results” from our industry’s non-stop “marketing campaigns”…
May 24th 2022: Uvalde, TX. — Robb Elementary School — 21 murdered
February 14th, 2018: Parkland, TX. — Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School — 17 murdered
December 14th, 2012: Newtown, CT. — Sandy Hook Elementary School — 27 murdered
This is how. You do everything in your power to get gun laws relaxed, if not stricken entirely, so that more and more guns reach more and more true, red-blooded Americans. That, however, only reaches a certain saturation point. It’s not enough that one person own one gun. They need to need more guns. In order for your profit margins to soar in the short term, you need a catalyst.
You need the “Secret Sauce”; fear, uncertainty, and doubt, also known by its acronym, FUD.
As silly as FUD sounds, it is a devastating weapon that can strike without provocation or warning, and at scale, and all without specific instruction. It’s not enough that they feel unsafe in their homes, they need to feel existential dread. One of the most proven methods of instilling deep, unwavering dread is to see their children slaughtered like fish in a barrel, repeatedly. Preferably with some breathing room in between events so we can hone our messaging. We’d also like to thank Alex Jones who has been an indispensable asset in our efforts. We wish him well in his future endeavors.
One side benefit, as well, is that with so many excess guns and ammunition, a lot gets stolen, which must be replaced, which means insurance claims, and so on and so forth, providing a solid foundation for “gravy” profit margins in the peripheral markets and for suppliers. That also puts a load of guns into the “grey” and “black” markets, some of which generate more profits for us at gun shows, while illegal arms feed into the suburban, urban, crime, and minority fear secondary markets. And “Ghost Guns” are fine for now, but as they start to make headway, we’ll need to kick-off a “Vuse Maneuver” so we can leverage their work into our profit with minimal capital outlay.
As you can see here, the data is clear. Sales were distressingly low from the mid-90’s to the mid-00’s, but through our continued efforts on multiple fronts, we’ve been able to “eliminate” roadblocks to unlimited growth potential. A strong domestic weapons industry is critical. If we fail to protect this precious resource, hundreds of “Job creators” WILL continue to suffer, and we simply cannot allow that to happen.You can’t leave it at that, however, you’ve got to dig deeper. You need help from the community, even if you have to manufacture consent. People are sheep. They don’t know what they need. But we, the wealthy and powerful, the ones manipulating things behind the curtains and maintaining a carefully curated veil of legitimacy, we do. Well, we know what we need, and in the end, that’s the only important thing we care to know. Knowing more is exhausting.
At the end of the day, however, we applaud this young man for his crowning achievement as 2nd Place Master Provocateur in our fight to return America to it’s “Roots”; a “colored folk” shooting range dotted with murderous, little fiefdoms teeming with happy, little aryans, bristling with their powerful, little assault rifles. Our Manifest Destiny is at hand, my fellow Americans!
Won’t it be wonderful?
In case it’s not clear, this is satire. I’m upset about Uvalde, TX. How can I not? These little babies were murdered, slaughtered like so many pigs in an abattoir, just like Parkland and Sandy Hook and thousands of others mass shootings year after year after year before, and if things don’t change, many more in the coming years. And we pretend this is a “mental health” issue, claim the time after tragedy is exclusively for grieving and discourse of any kind dishonors the recently deceased, then make deals behind closed doors and in exchange for “contributions” to give the gun industry its fucking money’s worth.
A lot more than our children pay the price, as well. Just look up how many have been killed by gun violence in America in 2022 alone, and the humanists among us are traumatized because we feel emotions; the closer we are, the exponential growth in heartache. We’ve been here before, and we’ll be here again unless the people act, and that means getting out into the streets, which is what I hope we finally do.
Here’s the thing. We, as Americans, have lost the ability to lash indignant hellfire at those who violate our…tylerknowsnothing.medium.com
I wrote the above piece back in 2017. I wrote another on my blog, the one that was destroyed by The-Host-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, and no, it’s not Blue Host. I dislike them openly. I may repost it at some point. It takes a lot of work to convert from WordPress Gutenberg post formatting, so probably not.
I hope we get some of this shit figured out before someone does something so stupid we can’t come back from it.
I really do.
PS: Depression is a deeply misunderstood ailment that often doesn’t feel real, either to people who suffer from it and don’t know or to those lucky few who’ve never been depressed, though I’m not sure the latter is possible. I’ve suffered from depression for decades now and I doubt it will ever go away, but I’ve still managed to write… at least until Covid-19 came along…
PPS: My wife, daughter, and I had Covid very early, like in February 2020. Fortunately for us, our primary symptom was body-wide pain and we had none of the other, potential fatal problems. I’ll just gloss over the fact that I happened to get Shingles at the same time, but for those of you who know, you know. What came after, however, has been the most catastrophic symptom of my Covid infection; Long Covid brain fog. If it was already hard enough to write while depressed, Shingles kicked it up a few thousand levels of distressing.
PPPS: I’ve made countless commitments to restart my writing efforts, but I’ve only managed a few spurts of activity over the last few years. I don’t know if I can change that, but I’ll damn well try. I can’t sit idly by, randomly opining on the internet while atrocities are committed on a near daily basis. I need to start being a more active participant in this great experiment gone wrong, a sentiment I hope many more Americans like myself, humanist, open-minded, pragmatic, for forward-thinking, will choose to adopt. I’ll do my best and all I can do is thank you for reading my words.