Category: Longform
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Advertising is dead. Please flush on your way out…
Ads are almost literally everywhere.It is rare, but every once in a while I presume to speak for everyone. It’s not like this is breaking news or a controversial hot-take, either. No need to sit down or get a stiff drink:
Nobody, but NOBODY likes advertisements… except ad people.
When I was working IT at Saatchi & Saatchi LA back in the mid-2000’s, Toyota was paying them tens of millions a year to make a handful of splashy national ads. Sure, they were epic, for ads, but all that money floated a five story building bursting with 500 worker bees that would pump out a half dozen ads a year.
I don't like my mechanical keyboard
The Keychron K5 SE Low-Profile Mechanical Keyboard is anything but low profile. It’s also a clicky, sloppy, error-prone mess for a writer who taught himself to touch type using his own system.CLACK CLACK CLACK… TIKTIKTIKTIKTIK… CLACK CLACK… TIKTIKTIK… AUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!
Tap tap, goes my Keychron K5 SE. It takes nigh on nothing to press a key, an advantage I’m sure is prized by gamers more rabid and entrenched than myself, but when I’m writing I’m forced to BACKSPACE to repair something that was rendered illegible every third or fourth word. So, I’m typing this review on my Dell tablet PC with a typecover-style input device, and my typing accuracy rockets back up to normal levels.
It’s time to open source MacOS 9: An Open Letter to Tim Cook
The now legendary Mac OS 9 desktop, a refinement of what came before and the influence for today’s macOS releases. Even to this day, untold thousands, likely tens of thousands, classic Mac OS machines are being used & loved, traded & developed for. [SOURCE: Wikimedia Commons]
Dear Tim,
How’ve you been? Good, I hope. I’ve been watching Apple’s events and your production quality is just top notch. Serious kudos to your production team. Gotta love those drone shots and slick transitions :) I’ve also been tracking the transition to Apple Silicon and I’ve been impressed. I got myself an M1 Mini that I’ve very pleased with, so much so I bought one for my wife.
Accelerationism is stupid
If you think Musk is going to get you to Mars, just check out how he’s been managing Twitter… er, X. This guy’s no genius. Don’t be fooled. Yes, this was made with some dumb AI thing I found.A conversation I had with a friend of mine. In addition, the term "Longtermism" has been replaced with Accelerationism. I've updated this piece with some more context at the end.
> Bryan:
Late night realizations and insights. I’m afraid that, on my deathbed, I’m going to realize that nobody ever helped me live, they just helped me die.
No, I’m not suicidal or wanting to die or anything. But I can only imagine that if I ever end up in a hospice and I know I’m going to die, and a kind nurse dispenses me with a lethal dose of morphine — or more likely — fentanyl — that’s all I can think of. No one ever helped me truly live. They just helped me literally die. And that’s sad.
Saving the Internet for Humanity: Dollarnomics 101
Or not…The Internet of 2023 sucks.
Every site, every service, every entree and every destination on the modern Web of today is controlled by corporations. Blood and treasure is expended, our personal data and real money is hoovered up to feed bottomless C-suite salaries…
While the World Wide Web may be comprised of an endless cavalcade of corporate entities vying for ultimate control, there remains a much, much larger contingent that has yet to stand up and take it’s own power: we average peeps.
Yup. The rest of us. The rank and file, as it were. The NOT 1% of Americans who just want to get on with life minus all the drama and violence.
So, within this unpleasant and difficult context, I’d like to offer my thoughts on fixing our ailing Internet. Now, I’m not going to suggest my ideas can fix all our woes, but a better foundation for our public internet can go a long way towards healing the rifts dividing and disrupting all our lives. So, let’s kick this proverbial pig.
A short horse tale | Short Fiction
MERRY FREAKIN’ CHRISTMAS, that’s craaaaaaaazy lookin’! Photo by Mikael Kristenson on Unsplash
One day long ago, a horse I was fond of came to me and bit my arm, breaking the skin.
As blood seeped from the wound I asked, “Why did you bite me.”
The stallion shook its proud head, stamped its powerful hooves, and whinnied, “Because I can, small human.”
“That is sad,” I replied.
“Picking yourself up by your own bootstraps” is stupid.
If this were even remotely possible, people would be flying off into space willy nilly. I think, I’m not a scientist. Photo by Nik on UnsplashWhat even are bootstraps? I’ll keep this brief. I’m particularly fond of this tidy explainer from Etymonline, a language etymology website:
How to use an elevator
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A bank of elevators in the lobby of a skyscraper. Photo by Edwin Chen on UnsplashIt happens all the time. You’re walking along, getting stuff done, and an elevator comes into the equation. Now what?
I desperately want a lightweight OLED Switch
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Just make a bigger one, Nintendo.It was a mistake that when I finally bought a Switch, I got a Switch Lite. Sure, it’s a gorgeous indigo blue, but I’m old and the screen is too small. So, I bought an OLED Switch. It was also likely a mistake when instead of returning the Lite, I put it on a shelf and forgot about it. I’d made my new OLED Switch my main, so I’d just forgotten about its little brother.
Where the hell is the American Bidet Revolution!?
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I’m going to guess that at least 12% of you will be reading this on a toilet.
Nothing makes people feel at ease more than a very public discussion about pooping… Right?
Fortunately for you, I’m not making this a video or podcast, so you can read it anywhere. Even on a public toilet.
Let’s talk about conservation of energy. Now, I know that’s a scientific principle of something, but I’m no scientist so I’m not sure how accurate I’ll be, but this whole thing seems rather obvious to me. So much so, that I’m more than a little shocked no rabid capitalistas have leapt on the Bidet Bandwagon. And no, that bandwagon doesn’t sound very fun, but we’ll get to the bidet in a moment. First, we need to talk about toilet paper.
Infographic: The U.S. Leads the World in Toilet Paper Consumption
The Statista "Chart of the Day" currently focuses on two sectors: "Media and Technology", updated daily and featuring…www.statista.comThe Average American Uses 3 Rolls of Toilet Paper Each Week-And It's Devastating Forests
A new report on paper use says Americans are flushing away Canadian forests. Stand.earth and the National Resources…fortune.comWe Americans appear to go through about 141 rolls a year per person, at least according to Statista (See link above. -Ed.) Note that the rolls they are referencing are 90 grams (Siri says that’s 3.7 ounces), which I’m assuming are the classic-style rolls. Of course, almost everyone buys the jumbo and mega roll packs, so some basic maths will need to be performed…
Oh, never mind! Some nice person over at The Federalist, a right-wing eTabloid, took care of that for us. Go ahead. Read it. It won’t bite, but you might come away with a spike in your depression for a few days.
No, Each American Doesn't Use Three Rolls Of Toilet Paper Per Week
Fortune magazine's toilet paper numbers are full of crap. If we do math with the actual weight of a roll of toilet…thefederalist.comYou see, he says the maths are all wrong because we aren’t buying those dinky little old-timey toilet paper rolls. No, we are, as I just mentioned, buying those large rolls so… We’re not really using a 141 rolls a year, per American, mind you, we’re really using 56.
And that’s a whole lot less than 141… Right?
I guess the simple fact that slipped past this stable genius is that the heavier rolls are longer and have more material in them. You know, all those plys, they come from somewhere, dude. Go to Costco, Walmart, Sam’s Club, or any big box store that carries toilet paper, and you’ll find stacks of “Double” and “Triple” roll options.
So, Kyle, let’s talk this out. I think you could be right that most Americans use about one roll a week, but you know, those rolls are double and triple that basic roll, so its still approximately THREE ROLLS A WEEK. The fact that there are double and triple roll products explains the 2.7 rolls a week that the study actually cites, the number “3” being rounded for clarity and because rounding numbers isn’t typically considered a criminal act.
Science is hard. I get it.
Also, I should note that the Fortune piece above was published in 2019, before the pandemic. I doubt that Americans used more toilet paper during lockdowns, but we sure as hell bought a lot more at one time. Gotta love those hoarders and preppers. Of course, you can only hoard essentials if you have the resources to do so.
Oh… Kyle… Wow, man. I’m so sorry…Damn, that’s lot of toilet paper
Let’s get down to brass tacks. Nobody likes wiping. It’s gross and irritating and the paper can fall apart, and don’t get me started about criminally thin industrial-grade TP in public, retail and commercial bathrooms. It gets stuck to shoes, falls out of trash cans, doesn’t evacuate “the crevasse”, and periodically difficult to locate for purchase. Yeah, everybody poops, but I’m quite sure most of us don’t like it. It may be biological process necessary for the proper operation of the human body, but it’s a pain in the ass, literally and figuratively.
Must we complicate it? Turns out we kind of need to, and yes, there is a Wikipedia entry on “Anal Hygiene.”
I’d like to take a moment to point out the atrocious grammar in the following Wikipedia page summary that makes it sound like hygienic practices are performed by one group of people on another group of people’s anuses…like a service? I’m not the Grammar Gestapo, and I’m not perfect, but that can clearly give people the wrong impression about something rather private. I’m just sayin’…Anal hygiene - Wikipedia
Anal hygiene or anal cleansing refers to hygienic practices that are performed on a person's anus, usually shortly…en.wikipedia.orgThere’s no point in denying it. We all know the fix.
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy…Let me ask you a question…
Do you thoroughly wash your privates in the bath?
So, functionally how different is washing them in one go on the toilet from getting in the shower to do the same thing? Short Answer: It’s not.
No. Nobody expects everyone to install a bidet. I’d be shocked if anyone in government ever suggested that installations be mandatory. It’s not some kind of weird poop-specific conspiracy, either. It’s just a little gadget you can add to your existing toilet and use privately with nobody knowing… except you, and I bet you secretly prefer it.
Prove me wrong ;)
